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My heart dropped.
You ever worked so hard on something expecting a certain outcome, only to be shattered by a different reality? I mean, you go to sleep at night meditating on that hope. You wake up energized and fed by that hope. That hope gathers you up and carries you to your front door; unlocked to show face to expectations. Salivating towards something; running from what’s common. Fleeing from it all.....
The moment stops you in your track. It smothers your next step forcing you to pay attention. It blinds you. It checks your ego.
You failed.
Stay there. Look at it. Inhale its musk. It lingers right? You feel like crap for days! I have countless stories I could tell where the stench of this reality was embedded in the fibers of my clothes.
I never really fit in. I know I’m not like everyone else. I don’t think the same. I don’t move the same. Growing up I would hear about how different I was. If I’m not walking around with a smile seared between my ears then I must be mean. I speak 7 words instead of 70, I must be stand-offish. In reality, the complete opposite was bond. I’m actually one of the most caring loyal people you would ever meet. I cry peace. I’m not stand-offish, I just observe my surroundings. I listen. I seek. I’m not quiet – the world is just loud.
That being said, getting what was common among those that are common has not always been easy for me. When I try to fit in to that world, I often have to work twice as hard and wear a face that does not belong to me. This never made sense. It never felt natural to have to change so much to have their success. I've been blessed in many ways but for some reason I still gag at the sweaty funk. Just. Not. Happy.
I remember the exact moment when the email notification came across my screen. My partner within the company I work for was just promoted to the position I was told I would get. Love her - I really do. She was promoted to the Senior of our role; even though she had less than a year experience to my 15 years experience. Even though I trained her. Even though the position was promised to me. Even though I run laps around her output. I could go on and on as far as how this looks on paper.
Pissed was an understatement. The only thing I heard was the ringing in my ears and the hum of the computer screen as the message slowly disappeared back to the notification docket. I went back to my email and read that message probably like 10 more times.
My mind will tell me all the reasons why this happened and none of those reasons will make me feel good.
5 years ago this would have consumed me for weeks. This is why I sought a different wisdom and accepted a different belonging - with God.
Know who you are. You will never fit in. Please don’t try – there is nothing there but uneasiness, heaviness, uncertainty, loneliness….
You are running your own race. God has a different path for you. Walk it in confidence. You got this.
Be Priggish.