A rigid cold tent, dry with a stench of deserted woodlands and dead carcasses. The air outside is thick and suffocating. Above, vultures swarm as I hold my knees to my chest anticipating a hidden unreachable victory. Please save me.
I find myself often so caught up in my own thoughts, I don't even realize what I am doing in in present moments. There's no focus here. Thoughts chase each other through my mind like ravaging dragons trying to outdo the next. It's a cyclone of negativity; a barrel of my past and needle of my future.
What's crazy, is that I know it's happening. It's like I'm chained to these thoughts. I try to break them with a positive thought - even verbalizing something to breach the attack. It only works for a moment before I'm boomeranged back under.
It's definitely been a challenge for me that I suffer with daily. I know it has caused much of my depression and anxiety. I live in my past and future, both of which I can't change! I'm haunted by them as I think of past losses, things I regret and fear for what tomorrow brings. It's insanity I know.
However, because I am aware that this is happening, I can attempt to do something about it, beyond breaking the thoughts with a thought. What has helped me escape my torment may help you too.
FEED YOUR MIND WITH POSITIVE THOUGHTS BEFORE BED
I don't want to sound cliché, but this truly works and can be accomplished in many ways. I don't wake up with nearly as much negativity on mind and I am often way more inspired for the day. My days aren't perfect but it gives me ammo. I have a book of hopes, dreams, desires, affirmations and gratitude that I've written down that I read to myself before bed. I remember God's promises that he has for me and my life and literally imagine myself laying in his lap as I repeat them in my mind as I drift off to sleep. YouTube is also another great source where you can find videos with hours of affirmations, promises, meditations and overall soothing comfort to feed your soul as you rest.
VOMIT YOUR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS INTO A DIARY THAT YOU WILL EVENTUALLY BURN
Nothing formal here. I have pages of random thoughts that have made race-tracks in my brain. Thoughts that I repeat over and over and over and over again - pure madness. Instead of allowing them to keep playing on repeat, I put them down on paper and move on. I close the book and say I don't give a shit. Unexpectedly this offers great relief and regains my power that I offered to it.
SCREAM AND REBUKE THE DEVIL - BECAUSE THAT'S WHO'S MOTIVATING THE INSANITY
You have no idea how powerful a scream is. One that is devastating for those unfamiliar but so releasing to your soul and spirit. Scream. Get angry and say "Not today in the name of Jesus. I rebuke you devil in your entirety. Remove yourself from my thoughts and my home. I bound you on the Earth in Jesus name." The devil is a small figure. The world has beefed him up as strong and powerful, but he is like an ant and will run at the sound of His name; he will flee at the name of Jesus.
GO TO THAT SPECIAL PLACE
No joke, this REALLY helps. In my mind I imagine myself at one of a few places, that when I think of them brings me massive joy. One is on a beach, serene, sunny and peaceful with nothing but the sounds of birds and waves hitting the shore. One of my favs is a green meadow surrounded by protective strong trees and beautiful mountains in the distance. The forest is on my right and it's there that I lay in a hammock between trees that reach the sky. They stand guard as I rest in bliss. No one can take this place and this emotion from me there.
It is an everyday work in process friend. The more you do it, the stronger you become. It is definitely hard some time but we must fight to stay in faith; fight to stay in power; fight for our sanity. Talk soon!